Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
relationship goals
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.