i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.