After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.