Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.