A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*jazz hands*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work