There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.