Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.