Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Cause of death: Zumba
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
3% human
97% stress
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
what