Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
You Might Also Like
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Yup
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.