I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You Might Also Like
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right