angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me when i see my girls butt
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.