Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward