“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Note to self: I am a note
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.