To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The booster protects against what, now?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?