Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Lube but for my dry humor.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?