Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This sounds bad:
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken