*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus