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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL