Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat