You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun