I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I hope they boil the right one.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”