Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Anyone really
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Free him
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow