My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
(Gaming support cat.)
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I hate everything
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Happy Thanksgiving
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.