“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Dance like you’re not the father
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot