I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Animal poetry
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about