12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.