If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.