We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?