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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.