It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn