me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait