[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe