Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
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My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.