Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
“i am a sweet baby”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.