No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
You Might Also Like
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses