What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Breaking news:
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.