Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’ll never salute you, General Settings