Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.