Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
You Might Also Like
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times