Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.