My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*me flirting
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”