I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Woke up against my better judgement again
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
and now we wait
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
There’s no “u” in narcissist
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.