Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
emergency phone
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time