I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets