The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Good point.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
honestly, i need both:
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”