[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
thanksgiving in nutshell
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.