Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
You Might Also Like
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A roof is a house hat.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office