Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
#NeverForget
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”