I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Alexa: *deep breath*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.