I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.